Day 25: Uncle Ted

“Come on, what are you talking about. Drink your wine.”

“I knew you wouldn’t do it.”

“That’s right,” Uncle Ted leaned back in his chair and stared through black sunglasses. “I wouldn’t. Absolutely not. Not happening, Anthony.”

“You’d look good. Better, Uncle. Come on. Ladies like that.”

“Eggs? They like big fat eggs stacked up on fatter eggs?” Ted guffawed. “Don’t bust my chops, little Anthony.”

“You seen The Rock, right? He’s like an egg on an egg.”

“That’s a veiny, muscular egg.” Uncle Ted whacked his paunch. “Nothing muscular about this.” He twanged his suspenders. “Come on, have your wine. It’ll sober you, crazy boy.”

“Just cut it off, Uncle. What are you gonna lose? You think you got dignity now, looking like that? No, you look like you’re playing a backup saxophone for Springsteen in the 80s or something. Women hate that kind of look. Clean it up a little. Don’t cut it all off if you don’t want. I don’t care. I’m trying to help you.”

“Help. Wow, thanks, there, little man. Thanks a lot for all the help. I think I can help myself a little when it comes to chicks, all right? You think you know anything about women and I guarantee you I’ve got seventy-five times that much experience before you were even born. Don’t tell me nothing about women.”

“I’m trying to–”

“I know what you’re trying to do and I’m telling you I am not interested. Never was, never going to be. Holy God gives me hair I don’t remove it. Simple as that. You ever read about Samson? Maybe try reading your Bible, nephew. Read about Samson.”

“I’ve read Samson.”

“Well, read it again until you get the message. Freaking don’t cut your freaking hair. That’s the message, Anthony.”

“Your hair is the site of your great strength.”

“Yes. Come on. Yes. I’m telling you, yes. Don’t ask me to explain it–you wouldn’t listen anyway. Take my word for it. Ain’t going to disrespect God like that.”

“And the mustache?”

“What’s the matter with that?”

“Really, Uncle?”

“I like the mustache. That one’s just for me. I like it, okay. Sue me.”

“You want to stay single forever?”

“I want to stay mustachioed. Drink your freaking wine.”

Entree 1: linguini, mushroom Alfredo, meatballs

Entree 2: linguini, breaded chicken

Breadstick: 1

Weight: (see Christmas)

Hairs on head: finite