Day 4(ever): David vs. Saul

Long day, as the title implies. Students need my help. I have to play Superman all day and decode the universe for them. I don’t want awards or recognition or– wait, yeah, that would be great. Humility is overrated and tastes like old chapstick.

I am reminded of 1 Samuel 24, when David enters a cave while running from the mad King Saul and stumbled upon the old monarch himself, taking a dump. David considers doing away with his enemy right then and there, but he realizes that God chose Saul to be king and it would be wrong to kill him, despite the ruler’s own murderous intentions.

Later David catches Saul outside the cave and tells him he could have killed the king, but will not sin against God. He shows him the corner of the king’s robe he cut with his knife, to prove the point quite literally.

The same thing happened to me at Olive Garden:

Our server left on our table one of those magical, proprietary circular cheese graters bearing the Olive Garden logo and all the gravitas a yellow plastic kitchen utensil can muster.

This grater stayed on our table for a half hour. I’m sure it is secreted it in Chrissi’s backpack, we could have had our own felled king, our own badge of glory, our own cheese-built throne.

Instead of stealing it I took this photo to say I won’t sin against God’s finest graters.

Item 1:

Linguini (whole grain, just for the fiber at this point)

Marinara meat sauce

Meatballs! (Got a little crazy but it really has been a long week)

Item 2: linguini with

cheese marinara with

boring old chicken

Weight: 164

Breadstick count: threeve

Understanding: deep

Day 3 – Olive This Place!

Specifically this guy– he love loves this place. I mean, yeah, James likes it all right. And the guy with the Mark Davis-meets-Jon Gruden-haircut also seemed to like it (happy anniversary to you guys, by the way!). But I’m really talking about Old Gramps there on the wall– it’s hard to see but his hair is actually even better than the other guys in this picture. And you can tell that as a retired mafioso, he’s really enjoying himself.

Anyway, here’s what you really came here for:

Dish 1: whole wheat linguini

Five-cheese marinara on the side (I only counted four cheeses in it so will be seeking a partial refund)

Crispy shrimpies

Dish 2: linguini

No sauce

Garden vegetables (like where else do vegetables come from? Test tubes?)

Breadstick count: 2 (the golden mean)

Weight: 166

Mood: gracious

Day 2: Olive Gardening

The yellow of the restaurant interior struck me this time around. The lamps are all yellow so the light cast of the whole restaurant is this sunny warm firelight business. I didn’t mind, as it went with the noodles. And the yellow made me think of Coldplay and how sick I felt after my breadstick orgy yesterday.

Didn’t plan on going back today. Was sick last night. Up for three hours in the night. Slept maybe four. Felt like trash all day.

A smart man says: eat something else. So today, I almost did something smart, and ate something else.

Dish 1:

Whole wheat linguini

Mushroom Alfredo on the side (much better for the old tum tum when you can just dish up a little bit instead of having to swim through the cream current)

No meat, veggie topping- nice mix of zucchini and red pepper and broccoli and carrots and peas and tomato maybe?

Ate lots of plain salad.

It was all actually very nice and refreshing.

Second dish (almost exclusively to go):

More linguini

No sauce

Plain grilled chicken

Breadstick count: 0

Weight: impending mortality

Mood: less sick, somehow

Day 1: The Olive Garden Experiment

It happened. We ate at the place with the Americans making the Italian food.

Somehow I will lose weight on this diet of eating there multiple times a week. What is the science behind this? I am no scientist, nor do I claim to be. I think there’s something there about reducing calories. Which basically means I have to only eat Olive Garden and then like celery and stuff.

We’ll see how that goes.

Anyway, review and ratings for Day 1:

I ate salad instead of soup. No real soup interest today. Maybe when it cools off. No croutons, cheese, or dressing, as I was sharing with my wife and she is perfect etc.

My first entree was:


Artichoke sauce (fancy)

Fried shrimp (nice and fried)

Second, unfinished, was

Corkscrews (Italian word)

Mushroom sauce (not mushroom left at this point)

Fried chicken (yes, I’m six)

Breadstick count: 4

Weight: 166

All was delightful.

No way am I losing weight on this diet! It’s gonna be a great year!