(St.) Crisco Truck (Treat?)

If you can unravel the connections in that title, congrats on figuring out my neurons! If not, I apologize for the distraction.

Short AP news piece yesterday:


What’s funny is that URL alone tells you the entire story.

But I like to think about the anonymous intern of junior journalist tasked with writing up this little blip on the world’s radar.

It is an interesting story, probably, but we don’t really know that because of the dearth of details.


Here are the facts:

  1. A truck carrying 18 tons of Crisco was shoplifted on its way to distribution.
  1. The goods were Crisco sticks, apparently—not sure that this detail was really crucial for the story’s opening, but no matter.
  1. It was stolen on its way to Lakeland, Florida (apparently near St. Petersburg).
  1. The article informs us that 18 tons = 36,000 pounds, for the math-challenged.
  1. We have a description of the trailer. And of the cab.
  1. Finally, crucially, “Crisco can be used for frying or making delicious baked goods.”


Now, that last element isn’t a fact at all, is it? So how did it sneak into this otherwise utterly-perfunctory announcement?

What we have witnessed, ladies and gentlemen, is the smallest possible cry for help from the bowels of a news organization. Intern One (as we will call him/her), managed to include the tiniest bit of color into this dry statement of fact. That single word, “delicious,” proffers an unasked opinion.

But this doesn’t ruin the factuality of the case, for me. Instead it offers the littlest nod from me to the invisible drone who knew no editor would glance twice at this one. It says, “I understand the absurdity of trying to record a story as silly as this one with so few facts, so few impressions, no real letdown of levity.” That “delicious” adjective proves that no robotic reporter sent this one to press. There are still humans with an eye for the comedy of this absurd life, even if they waste away unknown.

Because who steals a truck full of Crisco? It’s a bad movie story, it’s not real life. It’s utterly delicious!

Or else maybe Crisco just paid them off. But I want to believe!