The Key to Your Dreams

Not the aspiration kind of dreams—regular dreams!key to dreams

Find your dream listed below and follow to the applicable answer:


Are you dreaming of…

1. falling from great heights?

2. teeth breaking/falling out?

3. attacks by a large animal?

4. dreams of treading water/drowning?

5. nakedness in public?

6. incontinence under duress?

7. taking an exam in a class you don’t remember having?

8. painting a room you don’t remember having?

9. falsifying taxes for a country you don’t remember visiting?

10. marrying a bear you don’t remember meeting?


If so, your subconscious is probably…

1. afraid of heights, towers, tall people, CEOs, positions of power, or, surprisingly, little people.

2. demonstrating an oral fixation and/or concerned with the state of public healthcare.

3. making sure you feed the kitty when you wake up.

4. attempting to return to the womb. you sleep.

7. bad at setting alarms—the class is really happening and you need to go, like, right now.

8. suggesting you move out and find your own place: after all, who are all these people, anyway, and what are they yelling about?

5. allergic to cotton.

6. unsure or having questions about overactive bladder and/or tired of hungry kitty punching you while.

9. not going to happy when you finally open those six red envelopes.

10. a bearsexual.*


*There’s a lot of debate about this one, and I’d be remiss to ignore it here, so here’s the rundown. Dream bear-love is still probably the best answer to this one, but there’s another explanation gaining traction. It really depends on the elaborateness of the dream: the more detail you see, the greater the chance that we’re talking about a Bear Matrix. Basically, there’s not much help for this, but if you have one of these bear marriage (or rehearsal/engagement party, etc.) dreams, you want to try to make mental notes of what you see there. First, try to flip a lightswitch in the dream. If nothing happens, you may be inside a Bear Matrix, as bears don’t have electricity. Also look around the room in the dream: if no one is dressed, no one is eating anything but honey, and there’s Slipknot playing at the reception, then this probably isn’t a dream at all, but a virtual world made by bears to convince you that you’ve become one of them. If you notice all this, in the space of the dream—play it cool. Absolutely do not let on that you know anything is up. If you’re lucky, the dream will fade, all is fine. If not, you’ll go back into storage and the bears will imagine you’re safe and ignore you until they need you again for study. Honestly, though, at this point you should just take the Blue Pill if you can find one (or the equivalent), because there’s no real solution to this one. So you better just hope you’re attracted to hairy, killer mammals.