Most of the time, I feel like a neutral human being. Think Greendale Community College’s mascot. Other times, I feel like a man.

Here are some things that make me feel like a man:


Eating hamburgers.

Shifting gears loudly.


Tucking in my shirt.

Checking the oil.

Watching football.

Kissing my wife.


Taking insult.

Wearing a tie.

Mauling things.

Having sideburns.

Playing violent video games.

Reading Hemingway.

Watching Robots fight.

Showing my teeth.

Hiding my teeth.

Knowing chuckles.

Checking out.

Checking out my biceps.

Trimming my nails.

Shopping for deodorant.

Saving things.

MacGyvering anything.

Naming children.

Running away.

Ignoring advice.

Nodding politely.

Waiting to escape.

Trying door handles.

Working at not working out.

Rejecting children.

Explaining Star Trek

Mocking discreetly.

Avoiding violence.

Visiting mental violence.

Reading poetry.

Popping joints.

Judging anything.

Writing lists.