Application for Statehood

May 5, 2023:


All right, England, it appears you’ve applied for American statehood. Guess the Ukraine’s successful bid must have given you confidence, hmmm?

Well, we’ll see about that.

You brought your application? Thank you.

And the statehood checklist? Great, let’s take a look:


Love of sweet and fried things? Check.

World War winner: Double-check!

Bands of roving teen goths? Even more than America has. Remember, this one counts against you.

Consumer of American pop culture? Whether you like it or not!

You like to vote for morons? All right, so far so good.

Troubling history with native peoples? Done and done!

Ever been a sovereign nation previously? Not a problem, on our side. So was Texas, and it hasn’t Texited yet.

Disconnected from the Continental United States? Well, so is Hawaii, and the only difference there is the ridiculous shipping rates and restrictions. And the Spam thing.

Tipped cap to empire but every once in a while asking yourself, what if? Yes that’s all right.

Do you like Star Wars? Okay, cool. We can beat that dead horse together.

Good food? Well, the old empire did give you something.

Have you hosted American football games? All right, baby, you’re in, just—

Wait, wait—it says here you have a Queen? I’m sorry, we actually. Oh, she also loves football?


Welcome home, love.


(Ed. note: Elizabeth reigns forever, it turns out, much to Charles’s chagrin.)